Autonomy and Life

For me, the search for becoming a different kind of human being began in 1968 during the Columbia student revolt. Although I sympathized with the aims of the movement - the means seemed so contradictory - after all - the students were being as rivalrous as the causes against which they railed.

So I did not join but felt this deep longing for a world in which humanity would not be at constant odds with each other. It wasn't just my feelings toward the world at large. It was also that it was extremely difficult and painful for me to live within my own skin.

Sure - to others I looked like I had it all - that I was successful and happy and lived a grand life. But my internal experience was one of constant unhappiness and I was often mean spirited, angry, uncaring, cold, indifferent.

And then I was fortunate enough to become a student of Arnold who has developed a vocabulary and perspective which, as they say, "has made all the difference." It hasn't been an easy road - nor a quick trip. But slowly and incrementally, the person I used to be has vanished.

My anger, my dread, my fears, my rivalry, my constant comparing myself to others and finding myself lacking, my dreaming that happiness would only come when I achieved this job or this income status - all of that is now gone.

And in its place is a person who feels comfortable in her own skin, and who can be competent in the practical world, make a contribution, and rest at the end of a day knowing she has done her best.

And, this isn't just true of me. It is true of the students in the class who have stuck with this study. Together we have done what I so wanted to see those years ago at Columbia - human beings who have changed their humanity so that they can live in the world with each other in peace, fulfill the demands of practical life, which are not to be denied or diminished in their complexity, and live each day to the fullest.

A skill which must be learned but can't be taught has to be watched or witnessed in others. Thinking is such a skill. But who can you watch thinking? Remarkably few can or will think spontaneously in public. Instead, from Presidents to talkers at TED, we watch important figures--many of them fine thinkers--feigning the inward motions of thought while reading off a prompter or reconstructing a memory. Brando once feigned this inwardness by waiting (ponderously) for his next lines to be delivered through an earpiece.

But if those who we pay attention to are actors, professional or otherwise, there's an awful likelihood we'll learn acting, not thinking, and end up miming an inner vitality we don't have a real experience of.

The subject matter of Autonomy and Life ought to be learned and can be taught. (Arnold's commitment to conveying the material he's mastered puts him in a league of pedagogues it's embarrassing to consider.) 

But what keeps me coming back is almost separate from the subject matter, the way the lining is almost separate from the suit.

I return to watch this teacher think, spontaneously, before the students he's in dialogue with. I'm there for the lavish clues that out in the flesh. I want to witness the irony and honesty and wildness that are restored to the civilized mind when it is free of pretense.

There's a great line in Whitman. He's standing at the shore, chanting to the sea, which means something quite specific to him. But the line could as well be mine, sitting on a Saturday in a classroom in Manhattan, eager to learn the thing that can't be taught. The line goes: "Breathe to me while I hold you close the secret of the murmuring I envy." That this can happen, that the secret gets breathed, is why I'm there.

As students of Autonomy and life we understand that how we live our life is an experiment and an art. It’s freeing (and enchanting!) to approach life like an experiment…. to watch the results of the experiment unfold, enjoy the process, choose to be OK with any outcome, and love what is. We learn to be realistic about getting what we want, about things going wrong and find that we can be OK regardless of circumstances around us. Setbacks, disappointments, conflicts become less “sticky” and we can move forward more easily.

In autonomy and life we gain maturity and become better thinkers. We see our lives, our place in history, in the world, from a bigger picture. We recognize how civilization and circumstances mold us to be ambitious, seek status, and acquire more. We learn to think and make independent choices while creating a life of our own design. In this bigger picture, we find a new understanding of the meaning of life. We find purpose and inspiration.

Increasingly we can set aside our blind rivalrous instincts, our need to be right, to be recognized. Instead we are inspired by human connection toward kindness, generosity, gratitude, curiosity. We are inspired toward a life of meaning, art, and contribution. We find peace in aligning our internal with our external lives.

Thirty years ago I did not even fantasize the delightful life I enjoy now. My circumstances are comfortable and fulfilling, but I cherish most my artistic endeavors, human intelligence (including my own), and the experiment of my still unfolding maturity.

We started talking, thinking and writing about Autonomy and Life many years ago. We took life seriously and began thinking seriously about it—the big universals and the day-to-day. No givens. No assumptions beyond questioning. Our aim was never theories or rules, but practical means to engage life with competent authority and effectiveness, to produce real world results (material, social and private) that trued with life today, with our feelings, values and tastes, that expressed our natures, granted us dignity and served our longings to gain and contribute a meaningful, free and original life.

Thinking for ourselves, and then striving to live true (responsible) to what we recognized to be true, has come to define us, individuate and connect us to life—a means for being more fully-human. The good life we dared to hope for has come through creative thinking, tested in action for proof of its value, and in the vitality found in the doing of it.

A life of our own design, artfully self-expressed, is a life worth living: rich, strong, fulfilling and satisfying, a never-ending inquiry intent on a finer experience of life, now and tomorrow. I thank Arnold Siegel for his ceaselessly pioneering work, his intelligence and his kind leadership. I thank our fellow students for their continued curiosity, boldness, honesty and accomplishment.

25 years ago I took a chance on a class that offered something I had never heard anyone talk about. At long last, someone was not only addressing, but actually offering an alternative to this endless pattern of talking to ourselves and the suffering that accompanied it. The possibility of being at home in the world? comfortable in my own skin? able to think for myself? no longer my own worst enemy? Sign me up. And so I did.

But the real story isn't just what the class promised, it's what, amazingly, it has continued to deliver, month after month, year after year, for the past 25 years. 

This coursework in Autonomy and Life turns out to be the single most important piece of my education and, as it turns out, my evolution as a human being. From where I now stand, it's easy to see the limitations of my high school, college, religious school, and school-of-hard-knocks educations. 

From here, it couldn't be more obvious that this exploration of what it is to be human, what it is to carve out a meaningful and satisfying existence, and what it is to do it all with a "go-to" I could bet my life on is absolutely essential, and otherwise missing. The circumstances and demands of life continue to be what they are, and the call for competence, as parent, spouse, employee, community member, etc. is always there.

But I'm clearer than ever about what's going on. I see (and mostly avoid) the red herrings and hollow promises that come in various shapes and sizes. I hang my hat on the sustained thinking that I do each day, as I address this unique subject matter, and with it, myself and humanity. I've learned to enjoy my mind and my solitude in a way I never imagined possible. My satisfaction, contentment, and peace of mind are mine to bring about — and knowing that gives life an entirely different quality, whatever the circumstances. 

Autonomy is both learned and earned. Those who take up this discipline are rewarded for their efforts by a powerful capacity to be in command of their responses to the world. Without attention to it, we see how the focus becomes narrowed to achieving the symbols of success, accepting that climbing the heights of the arenas in which we play will result in a fulfilling life.

We want to live a life where we are free to be in command, to choose what we value and to focus on living in the highest range of human ideals.

We do this because it works -- both in our practical lives, as well as in our day-to-day experience of ourselves -- free from the discord and anxiety so prevalent in the competitive marketplace. In this experiment, we have learned a perspective that supports our ability to succeed in the world as well as being comfortable in our own skin. This discipline has given us the ability to stop and think, responding to the challenge in front of us through thoughtful deliberation and the conviction of a place to stand; it gives us a framework that supports efficacy and helps us to grow in our compassion, intelligence and problem solving skills.

As a student in the classes and coursework of Autonomy and Life, I have developed a new perspective. I have learned that freedom is gained with command over my reflexive subjectivity, that my purpose is to reach for the highest normative ideals of humanity, and that meaning comes from living as I see fit. And I am proof positive that this discipline has practical value; a steadily progressive, financially rewarding and ethical career at the top of my profession, the ability to manage my health and well-being with care, and loving, peaceful relationships with family and friends. Words can hardly express my gratitude.

When this experiment started we were steeped in our circumstantial concerns, working within the limited scope of the cultural options. With an increased focus on human subjectivity we plumbed the depths from which all this buzz of cultural activity arose and gradually we awoke – only to find ourselves sitting on a projectile of enculturated fears and desires, realizing a fully programmed neuronally-based selfhood fully preoccupied with its image and competitive standing.

Notwithstanding this subjective predicament, our sensitivity to subjection and our desire for greater meaning and efficacy in the world drove us on.

Thinking for ourselves (using humanity’s intelligence and the vocabulary of Autonomy) we created a new vantage point from which to recognize our subjection. Though autonomy is an ongoing effort, all the distinctions, practices, perspectives and strategies of each class empowered us to be in the world with ever increasing competitive competence, creativity, intimacy, fulfillment and equanimity.

In our more meaningful moments we’re aware of our desire for a world in which our prevalent experience is that of love: compassion for others and ourselves expressed in all our interactions big and small, to those near and far.

The discipline of Autonomy and Life makes this possible. This vocabulary of subjective mastery allows us to identify with humanity and its subjective dilemma – the way in which each of us is an instance of nature’s experiment with language.

Examining the ground of being on which we stood, this experience of love became more than a temporary inspired glimpse, but a way of being. With love as the experiential foundation all the other values naturally follow: responsibility, accountability, integrity, prudence, fairness, cooperation, even the pursuit of enlightened self-interest. Out of gratitude for the cultural works of the past (upon which we stand) and compassion for humanity present and future our life becomes about contribution.

Thinking about what it means to be human, has us thinking in bigger terms, a bigger picture of humanity looked at as a whole. Humanity has achieved so much in all the areas of our lives; health, science, technology etc. Yet for most of us there is a discontent, a disappointment in our lives, a sense of "is this all there is?" In the inevitable comparing of ourselves with others, we think we are lacking, that others have found and are living the "good life."

Many of us engage in excessive behavior - drink, food, or exercise, thinking this is the way to achieve some satisfaction with our lives. Many of us are seduced, often unwittingly by the advertisements of products promoting, as a fact of life, that if we buy them, we can achieve the "good life", the "American dream", especially since the people pictured are all handsome, fit, pretty and happy! And yet after possessing whatever has been promoted, there persists disappointment and discontent.

The discipline of Autonomy and Life addresses, from a unique perspective, the management of the human animal's verbal behavior, its thoughts, words and actions, in a very practical, useful moment-by-moment way. The coursework teaches us who we are, how we got to be who we are and how we can go about addressing ourselves; examining our thoughts, our words and our actions, evaluating them for consistency with what we want them to be, understanding the consequences of all our words and actions and if we choose, how we go about changing ourselves.

It’s also about managing our circumstances, making sure we are in circumstances that support us and if they don't, being responsible for changing them! Practicing this discipline has given me a profound sense of being alive, an experience of satisfaction, equanimity, fulfillment and happiness. It’s an awesome way of being human and an incredible contribution to humanity!

As an artist I spend time alone, in my studio, face to face with either a blank canvas or a painting in progress. So employing a quiet, focused mind is crucial to having the wherewithal to follow through with where the creativity of the human brain might lead. Sometimes I know what I want to do and sometimes I have no idea how to paint a particular image.

As a long time student of Arnold’s, I’ve learned to develop the capacity to think creatively and critically, the courage to persevere with each challenge, the strength to succeed or fail, and not be disheartened by an unanticipated outcome. As a result of this study, I feel a profound sense of connection with the people in my life, fulfillment and success with my work, peace of mind and immense gratitude for this opportunity to acquire such a resourceful, imaginative and fulfilling life. 

Autonomy and Life is an incredibly profound and personal experience. It addresses what it means to be human in today’s world. Yet it’s also extraordinarily valuable at a practical level. What rings true about this experiment is that it affects outcomes. We hear so much about the desire to change, but never are we provided with an effective means of accomplishing any sort of a lasting transformation.

This is your life altering discipline. All of the tools needed for success are included within this coursework, the transformations are abundant. As students we’ve seen the impact that this discipline brings about in real time at work, in the home and as we go about society because we’re stable, fulfilled and satisfied. We’ve learned to identify our goals, plan for success and thrive in the accomplishment of these outcomes. Through a unique approach to solving challenges that often we all hold in common, Autonomy and Life addresses what it means to be alive and in the same breath transforms the experience of living.

It’s so easy today to get swept up by busy schedules, obligations, and chasing the things we associate with “the good life.” It’s easy also to let stress, anxiety and resentments take their toll, or to feel restless or discontent, even when things are going well. What’s hard is to remember that each of us is obliged to master our own existence, to overcome the adversities life throws at us, and ultimately to figure out how to live meaningful and full lives. 

The retreats and classes led by Arnold Siegel are the place to focus on just that. I find it a profound inquiry into what it means to be human today and a powerful antidote to life on overdrive.

As a result of Arnold’s ongoing study of the history of thought about humanity, he shares an evolving and contemporary perspective that helps us contextualize our lives. We see ourselves anew, and unravel much of what we think we know and what we have been enculturated to want. This makes way for new thinking and creativity in our interactions with others and in shaping personal plans and goals.

I have found tremendous relief comes with this big-picture perspective and I never fail to be surprised and inspired by the concepts discussed. After being a student these many years, I have embodied the benefits. I feel I am more confident in dealing with complex and changing circumstances, and have the insight needed to manage my life and emotional well-being. These are skills for the long haul.  I’m very grateful to have found such a unique forum in which to explore the human journey, and to find my way in it.

For much of my life, I felt some "thing" was missing and I spent much of my professional and personal life searching for that missing piece. I tried filling the void and quieting the anxiety with all kinds of distractions; work, relationships, travel, material acquisitions. None of these endeavors produced feelings of any kind of lasting stability. Deep down I knew I was chasing my tail, but I didn't know what else to do.

Then I met someone who was a student of Arnold Siegel. He was different in that he was calm and didn't react to the unstable environment we live in the way most people do. He had a way with words and a way of navigating his mind that was intentional, self-directed and in control. He was kind and had a generosity of spirit for humanity. I realized this was the kind of experience I was seeking.

I immediately signed up for the first retreat I could. The discussions and conversations that took place in class were transformative. It made common sense that there was a relationship between being a better thinker, making wiser choices and having increased experiences of peace and equanimity. The other students are of all ages, professions and backgrounds and they are intelligent and sensitive to the experience of being human.

As a result of being in class and applying what I am learning I have more command with what I am communicating and how I am responding. The coursework has been more interesting, engaging and beneficial, than any class I ever took in college. Without changing anything in my life circumstantially, my personal and professional life are thriving.

This superior educational experience with Arnold Siegel has contributed to more meaning, purpose and connection in my life. Being engaged in the conversation of Autonomy and having subjective command has been the most important decision I have made in my life.

The problem of adding height to the design of a skyscraper, according to Cesar Pelli, isn't a matter of getting a few stories added to the top of a building. It's a matter of getting a few stories added underneath it. Pelli's corrective comes to mind when I remember a moment in Arnold Siegel's classroom.

A student had stood up and spoken about a problem she was having with her circumstances. Arnold took time and addressed it, as usual, to the satisfaction of the student and to the awe of the rest of us who'd been listening with the acute attentions of the eavesdropper. Then he said the part I remember: "I might have mentioned 7 or eight things that would have solved the problem." And I thought: Hmm...if that's right then her problem wasn't a matter of replacing a brick in the wall, of plugging the void of a fixed dimension.

He hadn't addressed her problem sentimentally either, or with a flattering patch to the ego. No, he had added something underneath. He'd gotten a story underneath her and it had improved her standing, her stability. Shoring her up a bit had handled the problem she'd located elsewhere. And if there were 7 or eight alternative ways of lodging greater context into her footing right then, there might be a hundred tomorrow, a thousand next week if she could do it for herself.

What Arnold seems to have known all along is that whole breeds of circumstantial problems have to be solved at the point of stance, with developed understanding. In the absence of a foundational self, words and their meanings are the solid stuff we build with and stand on. And if we're not working with them carefully and at a depth, we're probably going at self extension in unstable ways.

Frustration and dissatisfaction brought me to this classroom years ago. I was a successful professional yet began to see peers passing me by. Fearful that my career was leveling off too soon yet unwilling to continue to blame others for what was out of my grasp, including rewarding and intimate relationships, I was angrier and moodier. Stuck. The walls of the rut were closing in. From the very first class a possibility opened up as a broader perspective than where I had my attention.

I learned to step away from a linear, vertical agenda to develop critical thinking skills that allow for creative control of a life of my own design. It took time to take attention off of what others thought I should do. With discipline and practice a rewarding and satisfying life has emerged that is not an illusion like a momentary spiritual high. It's a solid comfortable experience of myself at home in the world leading a disciplined life. 

I look forward to the daily effort of thinking about a bigger perspective on what it means to be a human being and have come to understand who I am.  Placing value on no longer being disturbed is a more generous and heartful approach to relationships. It brings openness, light and compassion when in dialogue with others.

And I have learned that through thinking change is easier and welcome rather than merely tolerated. It is a constant effort to live an inspired life. Yet through discipline and responsibility, as Arnold has guided us, an enlivened life can be cultivated, enjoyed and shared with those we love.

Reading the pamphlet from 1986 under the title, “What Does [Autonomy and Life] Offer?: Stability, Authenticity, Timeliness, Equanimity and Maturity” I realized they describe me and my life, who I am, who I have become. I had no intention of re-reading the pamphlet thinking how content I am to be where I am now and felt no need to go back. Yet these words originating in 1986 ring true for me now. I know and embody stability, endurance and peace of mind.

In Autonomy and Life, authenticity is a reality I can rely on. Unbeknownst to me, those decades ago, pretense, seeking admiration, feigning sincerity kept me locked into unreal practices of thinking, feeling and acting. I was trained to need them as tools for coping in the competitive and authoritative world, which frightened and numbed me. I did not understand myself in relation to the world nor was I at home there.

That this is no longer the case is an extraordinary accomplishment of teaching and of learning. Equanimity quieted inner anguish, anticipation and anxiety. Amazing are the resources of integrity and intentionality. We strive to become ever more fully mature human beings. This does not end. We mature gradually and incrementally. At any given moment we find ourselves whole, complete, content and satisfied. It is a momentous and profound privilege to be a participant in this experiment that has and continues to “revise human perception of reality.” I am deeply grateful.

The distinctions and insights gained in this experiment have proved to be profound and relevant to any human life. The result of this effort has provided an opportunity to think critically and creatively about the arrangement of one's life from within a sound framework. When we reflect in this way, we're not only better positioned to spend ourselves more productively but the value and meaning we give to life itself becomes apparent. From this place, we take on the world in its ever-changing circumstances and contingencies with a new found personal freedom and confidence. 

It’s a place where one can craft a perspective, which addresses the many facets of being human. One that deals with our practical endeavors. One that satisfies the heart's (often muffled or subdued) deeper desires. We experiment, reflect, weigh and subsequently learn to navigate these vast and complex terrains with grace and dexterity. It is in this inquiry that we are known and heard, for perhaps the first time.

I fear I wouldn't have ever come to know myself without the distinctions and insights that have been created and shared as a result of this effort; staying fixed in the farthest reaches of my own reverie. Now, living in the world of meaning, each impending moment is as though the ground has given way beneath my feet; I've come to know the pure and unadulterated experience of being alive.

I don’t know how he has done it but Arnold has been able to tie together a historical perspective of what it means to be human as an individual as well as how we have developed over time as human beings. What drew me to this work was a desire to feel more at home in the world and to be a better thinker and it has accomplished both.

Being in class, participating in this ever-evolving discipline, I’ve seen us develop greater and greater ability to take command of ourselves and our lives, as a resource to be depended on. If I could draw this perspective, the page would be filled with individuals of all shapes and sizes, like the timeline of humans becoming upright, walking from left to right; the left being from where we came over time in our efforts at autonomy to where we are now but all connected in that effort with more to go into the future. This both locates us in this day and age and connects us in this ongoing process. And there is solidity in that, a felt feeling of home.