You are a complex mixture of needs and desires and you don’t like them foiled! You have hopes and a sense of how life should be and you’re disappointed, irritated or infuriated when someone doesn’t measure up.
What all of us forget at these vulnerable moments is that the people we had counted on to make our lives successful are themselves a complex mixture of needs and desires. And they don’t like them foiled either! They want what they want, too. These clashes may occur with anyone on whom we depend—mate, partner, sister, child, peer and parent. When the clashes are really contentious, they can make everyday life miserable.
Hundreds of sit-coms and films as well as countless articles, blogs and novels portray the clash of wills. But few of these—entertaining, remorseful or villain-filled—actually expose the roots of the clash. Willfulness is an ancient reflexive, bred-in-the-bone, aggressive and defensive response to being in the world, and we don’t really understand its deeply etched whys and wherefores.
Yes, we’re conditioned to label feelings and moods and motivations (“You’re a control freak. No, you are.”). But, according to scientists, upwards of 90% of our reckonings are unconscious! We don’t necessarily know why what others do makes us so angry.
Happily, though we can’t fully understand the laws of nature, we can command how we will act. Typically, we don’t get split-second control over our initial response. We will see red. Our blood will boil. But we are gifted with the ability to pause, reflect, create and get over or transcend the roiling nerves and blood. We do this in the hope that we will gain some traction and play out our lives in this puzzling world with more mercy, compassion, timeliness and contribution.