It’s no surprise that our interior monologues are filled with resentments and recriminations. If in one of our many endeavors we don’t succeed up to our grandiose, pleasant-to-contemplate-but-unlikely-to-be-realized self-descriptions, we play and replay the disappointment in our heads.
So, though we associate our pie-in-the-sky self-descriptions with the quality of our self-worth, it is seriously wrong-headed to do so. Why? Because these self-descriptions do not stand up to the truth of the hard-as-rocks, pay-the-price demanding competitive reality in which we live.
Even if we’re the quiet type, our ego is likely to be an exaggeration of who we are. We didn’t examine our self-descriptions about character, temperament, personality and intelligence to see if they were an actual fit for our opportunities. No, we have the “we’re special-so-dream-big ego” because we adopted it as part of everything present in our conditions and circumstances.
Meanwhile, characteristic of life in America is this down-to-earth imperative: be responsible for yourself—for your past, present and future. And, we are expected to show our success at being responsible for ourselves.
Didn’t know about the imperative? You’re paying the price anyway. Couldn’t focus at school or didn’t practice enough? You’re paying the price. Tried to win on a playing field for which you’re not a good match given the qualifications of other contenders? You’re paying the price. Pinned all your hopes on a dream? You’re paying the price. Made some choices whose unintended consequences make everyday living very difficult? You’re paying the price!
Yes, some of us may have rationalizations or safety nets that ease the pain and self-doubt that show up in our interior monologues when we meet misfortune, hard luck, irresponsible choices and unexpected disasters. But in general the only way to free ourselves from the tormenting narrative is to reconfigure and reset the determined manner in which we reflexively manifest our egoistic presence.
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Arnold Siegel is the founder of Autonomy and Life and leader of its Retreat Workshops and Advanced Classes.