The topic of my most recent post was the commonplace phenomenon I refer to as “behaving badly, a sign of desperation.” My concern was the divisive reach of its destructive force. In this post, I will discuss affinity and the reconciling reach of its attractive force.
I don’t think we can pin down what percentage of the affinitive instincts is brute nature and what is enhanced by religion, art, literature, music, dance and valentines. But these affinitive instincts—they are not unnatural. Think empathy, sympathy, love and camaraderie. Think kindness, nurture, gentility and understanding.
Indeed, when we come to recognize well and true who we are, we sense, and we heed, an attraction, an affection—always already there. This gentle connection, insisting on itself, becoming something to which we can give our heart and soul, brings forth generosity, gratitude and grace.
So, affinity is at the very least a possibility, a subterranean current. And, affinity is also a remarkable achievement, an intuitive and moral art whose generous expression is the bona fides of a life well lived.
The feelings we are just born with, they come and go. They are wonderful, dynamic and ecstatic, and they are fickle, unpredictable and disaffected. They can corrupt reason, undermine the best intentions and lead us astray, as well as up and down and all over the place. Depending upon our subjective impression of them, they are merciful, and they are pitiless.
In other words, the feelings, moods and sweet and sour vibes that just arise unexpectedly and depart inexplicably are too capricious to be the sole source of our intellectual and emotional generosity. We don’t want to depend solely on mercurial feelings to move us to kind and moral expressions of optimism, fortitude or perseverance.
We don’t want to depend solely on erratic feelings to move us to commitment, to thankfulness, to an appreciation of life. And, of course, we don’t want to depend solely on these fickle feelings to stimulate our expressions of love, generosity, tenderness, and compassion.So, if we’re not feelin’ it, we can create it. Some of the greatest joys of autonomy are the ability to be an artist of our own emotions and a curator of the active energy loving expression requires.
Affinity is not unnatural. When its promptings are deep, the juices flowing, the excitement present, when the heart pounds and the spirit is touched, it’s easy. But much of how life is doesn’t lend itself to easy, does it?
We are aware of the contingent, finite, bewildering nature of life, as well as the seemingly intransigent nature of each of us. An intemperate immediacy can make us aggressively willful, prideful and contentious. And our individual adult patterns and habits resist change. That which doesn’t come easily must be marshaled, called into being via transcendence, discipline and practice.
And, of course, conflict, hardship and misfortune are unavoidable—they pervade the human condition and we suffer over it. In its midst, we may break loose of the connections or lose touch with the openhearted grace of affinity. Further, antagonism is natural. Just for the “joy” of causing others pain, people oppose what is being built and destroy that which is built. And our own best intentions—our care and compassion and commitment—can be met with antipathy and rejection. See my post titled, Acquiring the right stuff.
Yet, none of us want to be disheartened or dispirited by this kind of opposition, or by our own co-mingled joys and sorrows. The daily enactment of a disciplined and caring way of thinking and going about being human not only makes life possible, it gives it meaning as well. So, this is where human autonomy comes into play, and mastering it is crucial.
Made up of cultivated resources such as intellectual integrity, emotional generosity and a healthy dose of self-control and self-determination, our autonomy is something we acquire or win.
When we are autonomous, we can call upon ourselves to love life, to thrill upon its possibility, to speak with our love, to recognize its expression as an act of intelligence and grace—a commitment to hold the relationship, the family, the community together. We can call upon ourselves to kindle light, love and friendship and to create and renew against the forces of conflict, cynicism and antagonism. See my post titled, Beyond discontent.
Yes, ravenous sexual urges, parental feelings of love, huge surges of compassionate emotionality, and stirrings of great sentiment are initially brought to us by chemistry and registered in the body. Such passion or bonds lend themselves to understanding, commitment, generosity, fascination and belonging.
But when the chemistry naturally goes flat, a vast emotional abyss can appear. When all has become disappointing, dreary and difficult, we must use an artful vocabulary, an artful marriage of rationality and inspiration or imagination, to consecrate love, light, heat and connection.
As our attention turns increasingly to our possibility for good, we take responsibility for imposing order on the highs and lows of immediacy. We become responsible for holding the relationship, the family, and the community together. We bring forth a greater care and compassion for other human beings, a concern for intimacy, a regard for equanimity and the experience of being free, an esteem for dwelling in and confronting the living experience.
At the same time, we learn how to think and interact with the flexibility of many interpretations and how to provide a great deal of context from which to resolve immediate concerns. In this space, love, receptivity and relationship do not just happen to us. They are also accomplishments of the human spirit, choices of conduct and experience that accompany the providing of comfort, the making of kindness, the willingness to forgive and the granting of dignity.
As I said, in this space, we are more able to be an artist of our own emotions and a curator of the active energy loving expression requires. We create them, with spouse, child, family or friend, to authenticate meaning, to grant attentiveness, listening and respect, to reveal emotional attachment, to lean into affection—to call the heart and mind to passion in situations where chemicals no longer provide the magic.
This effort gives us a chance to recognize that we want to expand our creative efforts to all of life’s challenges. Yes, we find a degree of control, comfort and challenge in rational mastery. Yet, we also discover an ability to celebrate life’s mysteries and rhythms, which march quite apart from human invention and drama.
Also relevant to this post are A voice that unites conscience and deed, and The will to transcend, there’s life after everything.