Out there, right now, virtually every medium romances behaving badly—the loudmouth, the braggart, the in your face, name-calling, bully way of being. Or conversely, the put-upon, blame someone else, bitter, indignant, self-righteous, defeated way of being.
Shock jocks, confrontational pundits, pandering moderators and louts with blog access, report on or elicit bogus moral outrage, grossly indiscreet tell-alls, false accusations and outright lies and send us chasing after red herrings.
Afternoon talk shows and print or digital columns present emotional immaturity, poor judgment and spiritual poverty as if the failures were the fault of someone else.
On scripted and unscripted show alike, the condescending ill manners, cold-shoulder arrogance and inaccessibility of those who would never admit to common discontent or desperation are portrayed as fierce and gutsy achievements.
And, as if we didn’t get enough of that via media, there’s more. We are exposed to similar fury and know-nothing inanity on the train, at the grocer’s or in car pools when mommies and daddies use the foulest language and crudest gossip to rip into mate, sibling, neighbor, rival, client or public servant.
And, of course, we’ve all met the perennially out-of-sorts, unapproachable boss, the pretentious professional and the alienated relative who have lost all connection with the kind, the decent and the humane.
Instead of being accountable for our integrity, leadership, fair play, toleration, resilience and resolution, we hypocritically or dishonestly equate transcendence—cooperation, civility, courtesy, receptivity and personal responsibility—with submissiveness.
Bad attitude, complaint, excuse and elitism seem to have replaced character and moral fiber in the popular press and in “on trend” communities. But I think it’s a crock. Bad attitude, helplessness and arrogance are not expressions of “fighting the good fight.”
In fact, I think human beings suffer greatly because they give too much play to their immediacy, to their mean-mindedness, excuses and ego. Behaving badly saps our strength, our effectiveness, our affinity, and it brutalizes the lives of everyone near, or dear.
Fighting the good fight is about real substance—real depth—whose acquisition is a hard-won accomplishment. Why? Because to get it, we must struggle against brute, visceral resistance, the ego’s “protection program,” and the lure and titillation of the Scoreboard. And we must do it in a confrontational social environment already compromised by false fronts and pocked by corruptions of meaning and purpose.
So, back to behaving badly: Antagonism, animosity and a stingy spirit seem natural enough. Perhaps they are the narrative projection of the animal’s ability to extend and defend itself, its offspring and its territory.
Of course, we humans don’t literally eat the young of a rival for dinner. In its place, we are two-faced, punitive, sullen and disagreeable, or unapproachable, snooty and quick to take offense, or we pose as victims. Most of us would never treat our pets in the hostile, dismissive or callous way we treat or refer to people.
And, of course, we don’t acknowledge that we’re unable to manage our thoughts and emotions; instead, we blame our resentment, instability, and meanness of spirit or general discontent on someone or something. But when we live this way, it is we, ourselves, who are deplorable. And no wonder: it is a shoddy way to be.
It’s shoddy because we’ve been educated to know better. When we’re behaving badly, we know that we misrepresent or distort the truth or betray the spirit of another’s intention or goodwill and we know that we’re hypocrites.
When we’re behaving badly, we represent the facts out of context; we lay blame; we act without regard for the feelings of others and take the light from the eyes of those we cut with malicious words; and we are irresponsible, distant, out of control.
Yet, nastiness, blame, arrogance and discontent are difficult to overcome for a number of reasons. First, these patterns of behavior are etched in our brains. Second, behaving badly is currently showcased in myriad ways as the new sexy. Third, we can always point to the jerks and rivals (often one and the same) or situations that make us feel unsettled or insecure.
So we indulge the pettiness and mean-mindedness, though we, ourselves, pay a big price for such thoughtlessness; indeed, desperation, lethargy, passivity, lack of confidence and loneliness may be the result. And certainly, it is a poor and embarrassing role model for those who depend on us. No one wants a parent, representative, boss or friend who lacks intellectual integrity, emotional control and spiritual resource.
So, easy or not, the work required to change such habits is worth the effort because the desperation and loathing ends, and we’re no longer one of those making the world a little colder.
As I said in my post titled, Beyond discontent, we’re not born with the means to fight the good fight or to leave our legacy on the right side of history. If we don’t make it our business to bring transcendence into play and acquire the powerful substance that gives heft to the means and tactics, our intention to live a decent life that matters, will never have the impact or reward we want it to have.
Transcendence is a talent, a genius that we can learn to grow, trust, and invoke in the best, and worst, of times, and in the times so bad that recovery seems impossible. Indeed, in such times, the transcendent practice that renews our bearings and redeems our energy is the most practical action we can take. Read my post titled, The will to transcend, there’s life after everything.
In sum, the creative, inspired and meaningful life has to do with transcending the mean-spiritedness and the condescending indifference in favor of practices we might characterize as decent, humane and thoughtful, noble and deep.
It has a great deal to do with intelligently determining the authority by which we live, and then living by it, despite the relentless provocations of our own temperament, media hype and a world often cruel, unjust and disappointing. This requires enormous dedication, initiative, and the ability to self-inspire. It enables us to live with ourselves and to get on with the life we choose.