No one said it would be easy, and it won’t. A well-designed, meaningful and rewarding life takes work. Careful thought. A big picture. Goals and objectives. Resolutions and resolve. Passion and restraint. A moral compass and a voice uniting conscience and deed.
Success in the new year is also going to take a willingness to return to the drawing board as we face inertia, criticism, moral dilemmas, cheap-shots, complexity, disappointment, breakdowns, rivals or the Scoreboard’s suggestion that we sell our souls for some really nice bling.
So, we have hopes, goals, objectives and dreams. And then what happens? Life. Messy, complex, contingent, imperfect life. And 2010 promises more of the same. War on two fronts. Business failures. Bankruptcies, foreclosures and poverty continuing to climb. 14.5 million of us unemployed, another 9.4 million underemployed, and on and on. Not only are we still in crisis-mode, we must also deal with the sometimes absurd, sometimes agonizing stuff of life that foils the best laid plans of every one of us.
Think about it. Obviously right or ambivalence-free decisions and choices are rare and easily upset by adversity or everyday bad news. And then later, self-doubt and second thoughts may sideline them anyway. The signposts are few and vague. In fact, a complicated, emotionally complex, entangled mix of the immediate, the conventionally allowable and the attainable influences much of the action we take. Even some of the well-informed choices we make in good conscience subject us to pangs of regret and to consequences such as loss, failure and disappointment.
Wait! There’s more. There are limits to what relationships can provide—whether we choose to marry, commit, parent. If we don’t choose to practice religion, we’ll experience moments of meaninglessness. If we do practice religion, we’ll still have to face down existential anxiety. If we choose to indulge our passions, we might hurt those who would have us choose otherwise. But if we forego these passions, we might grow old feeling we have lived a terrible and little life. Plus, regardless of the excellence of our judgments, decisions and choices, we can expect feelings of blame, shame, anger, loneliness and indifference.
Then there’s the rock-and-a-hard-place, even-Solomon-wouldn’t-get-it-right stuff that can leave us feeling pummeled, bruised, dazed. For example, can we leave a miserable relationship-from-hell if our partner doesn’t want us to go? Is it true that we “made our bed and must now lie in it,” or is it more realistic to think that choices made at a more tender age can be legitimately reconsidered? But what if we promised “forever?”
Can we place a chronically ill father in a nursing home instead of having him live with us? Do we rat on our brother if he smokes dope, spanks his kids, drives after drinking? What if it’s the neighbor?
Can we spend our discretionary income on private schools, luxury vacations and drop-dead gorgeous fashion when there is so much unfairness and inequality in the world? Given the economic climate, can we take time off work to watch the kid’s soccer game? If we don’t, will the kid have “issues?” You get the picture.
In fact, what do “the rules” demand? Is the amount of time we spend with children, aging parents, partner, or on community projects, a matter of inclination, or of choice, or of obligation? And what about the crucial stuff of personhood, whose spine (and heart) is a strong moral identity?
The need for a strong moral identity has never been clearer. Yet, the soul of our moral identity, of our private and personal life, is neither easily come by nor maintained. Granted, we want very much to get it right. We want to be true to the truth. But in pursuing truth, what are we being true to? What authority are we deferring to, or simply making?
A moral identity is constructed piece by piece. It involves a combination of personal discipline, inquiry and reflection. A meaningful moral identity also requires an extensive remodeling of the conflicting, perhaps waffling, beliefs, vanities, assumptions and prejudices we have (by gene) or were given (by convention) before we are actually able to design a life for ourselves.
For example, we know we value self-control, self-determination, self-initiative and self-possession, but of what active practices and restraints are these values made? How do we gain creative control of them, especially when our circumstances are far from optimal?
We know that we value kindness, contribution and empathy, but of what activism are these values made? How do we gain creative control of them, and stand for them, especially when hate mongering has become such a popular means of exerting control?
We know that we value moderation, integrity and fair play, but of what conduct are these values constituted?
And frankly, how ready are we for hardship? Some people are far luckier (or more corrupt) than others. But no one escapes the disappointment and shock that accompany being betrayed or seriously scammed; nor the anger stimulated by antagonism, unfairness and indifference; nor the melancholy attending fatigue, demoralization and loss; nor the repercussions of impulsiveness and excessiveness; nor the heartache and embarrassment that accompany a loss of dignity or damage to reputation; nor defeats recorded on the Scoreboard.
Yes, in some situations, we can call upon public, institutionalized means (such as the legal system) to demand a certain material compensation for losses suffered, but still, recovering from emotional pain is generally a private (and moral) obligation. Do we have the moral resources to return to stability, to improve our ability to emotionally register and metabolize the facts and then to get on with our lives?
So, like I said upfront, no one said it would be easy, and it won’t. Happily, the civilized and civilizing spirit is powerful—a shock of recognition about who we are, about who we might yet be and about what we can give back to the world. In this spirit, there’s work to do. Lots of it; in the struggle for the soul of humanity, we should expect to do no less. But this heralding of possibility gives outward presence to inner grace, inspires wonder, hope and energy, and sweetens our own lives as well as the lives of those near and dear.
Indeed, in this light, struggling to make sense of the realities of our shared experience and to bring into existence and sustain an honest and decent moral identity, we have our New Year’s Resolution.
May your holidays be joyful and your New Year happy and prosperous.